A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really* amazing guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!!".

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off , when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle with a seat all to himself.The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, and I set him to work.Eventually, the plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the first manWatch this. He tells the dog"Rover, search". The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle to the back of the plane and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlersarm. He says "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says,That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note ofthis, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the man says to the dog "Rover search".This time he sent the dog down to the front of their plane.The dogsniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and placesboth paws on the handlers arm He says "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and theseat number. That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it! says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat and this time craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks What the bloody hell is going on? The handler replies "Oh god, He's just found a bomb!!

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please." Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man." Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!" Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!" The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders. Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?"

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about all the problems going on that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."