An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: "May I see your driver's license?" Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI." Officer: "May I see the registration for this vehicle?" Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it." Officer: "The car is stolen?" Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there." Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?" Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk." Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?" Driver: "Yes, sir."

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Señor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself--I'm going to make it hard for him--and says, "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence." The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green--I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?"