Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Markin' around The Christmas Tree What a doggie holiday Just doin' what comes naturally Even though it's Christmas Day Markin' around The Christmas Tree Gotta squirt each present twice Spreading our scent on all this stuff It's a doggie paradise There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn (but remember) Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic Hey - come on - it's nothing drastic Markin' around the Christmas tree We just do what boydogs do Doin our duty gracefully And we'll share our loot with you Markin' around the Christmas tree All precautions were in vain We must own everything we see So we stake our doggie claim Markin' around the Christmas tree We don't see the problem here But if we're caught we know that we Will be dragged off by the ear People shout and tell us we are evil little curs (but remember) We're not trying to be snotty YOU installed this indoor potty Markin' around the Christmas Tree Gonna check our list off twice When Santa visits, we know he Can just sniff out who is NICE!

Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top."What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked."A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered."What for?""I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them.""But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."

Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep.. I sleep right in the center groove My human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and "I want food!" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheath For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night!

Oh the snow in the yard is yellow Thanks to our doggie fellow But the droppings sink way down low Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow! So the scooper sits rusting outside As we wait for Spring and "low tide" The piles will wait down below Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow! In the warmth of the summer sun We must scoop every day in the yard But as soon as the winter comes Finding the stuff gets quite hard While the piles sit there fertilizing Our backs aren’t exercising Our rest is short, this we know (please) Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!

On her way to work a lady passed a new pet shop. She had a few minutes to spare, so she walked into the store and took a look around. Near the store window she saw a cage with a beautiful red parrot in it. She admired him for a few minutes, when the parrot said to her: "Hey lady, you are really ugly!“A little upset at the rude parrot, the woman left the store and went to work.Later that day on her way home from the office she saw the same parrot in the window. Again the parrot squawked: "Hey lady, you arereally ugly!"Mad at the bird, she rushed home.When she passed the pet store on her way to work the next morning, the parrot said it again: "Hey lady, you are really ugly!"Well, the lady was furious! Cursing in a rather unlady-like manner,she stormed into the store and demanded to see the owner. She told him that she was going to sue him and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The man behind the counter apologized and promised the bird would not say it again.When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot squawked: "Hey lady..."She paused and said, "Yes?"And the bird said: "You know."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you dolt!". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll whip the snot out of you!". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy guy!".

On the local rock radio station the DJ was reading out some requests. "This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!" Puzzled by how someone could be that old and listening to rock music, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said "Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill."

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered balls, Five MILK JUG RINGS! Four munchy house plants, Three running faucets, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey? A. Drumsticks for everybody!