Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone... "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... "Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: "So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?"Bob replied: "Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly."Jimmy smiled and said: "Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you."Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell. Jimmy asked: "What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?"Bob answered: "No, - I - don't - think - so.""Why? What happened?" Jimmy asked.Bob explained: "Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said:"Look, - honey, - after - we're - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!“

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up. Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too. Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below. Have a good Work-Out!

Dashing through the park With our noses to the ground Walking on our ears Pretending to be hounds Not using our eyes We navigate by smell If its over an inch high Then, it’s got a tale to tell Oh, Doggie smells Doggie smells Outside of our home Oh we love those doggie smells When on the leash we roam Doggie smells Doggie smells Marking every tree All our other doggie friends Have stopped right here to pee!

During the height of the cold war, the Americans and the Russians realized that if they continued their arms race, they were going to blow up the whole planet.They arranged a top secret summit, where it was decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They agreed to give each other5 years to breed the two most powerful fighting dogs ever.The winning dog's country would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to submit and lay down its arms.The Russians searched their vast country to find the meanest, most vicious Doberman and Rottweiler breeds and crossed them with the biggest, most dangerous Siberian wolves.They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and fed it a diet of steroids and trained them to be lethal attack dogs. After five years of fierce breeding, Russiahad managed to create the biggest, most vicious dog the world had ever seen.Finally Russia and America met in Switzerland to let their dogs fight for world domination. Although its cage had 4-inch-thick reinforced steel-bars, everyone was afraid to even go near the Russian monster-dog. When the Russians saw the American dog, they burst into laughter. America had sent a weird looking 9-foot-long Dachshund! The Russian breeders felt a little sorry for the Dachshund, because they knew it didn't have the slightest chance to last even 10 seconds against Russia's killer.When the bell announced the beginning of the fight, the Russian dog leaped out of its cage, snarled, and charged the American Dachshund.The Dachshund slowly waddled out of its cage towards the Russian dog. But just when the Russian champion looked like it was going to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog with one bite. The Russian monster was gone!The Russian politicians, shaking their heads in disbelief, walked over to the cheering Americans and said: "We don‘t understand how this could have happened. We had our best breeders working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler breeds in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves!""That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

Hey what are you going to do for a face when that ape wants his butt back? last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a bannana. I usually don't forget a face but for you i'll make an exception Want to know why birds fly upside down over Iowa? because it ain't worth crap Your So Fat that when you walked in a zoo the elephants threw peantuts too you

Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a-holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:

jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle, oh... Just hear those dog tags jingling Ring ting tingling too Come on it’s lovely weather For a walkie together with you Oh it’s just like Iditarod Pulling you on the ice We’ve got the leashes in our mouths We’re not gonna ask twice Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup let's go We’ll eat all the snow We’ll drag you around till your cheeks glow Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup it's grand Tugging at your hand We’re galloping after the scent of a doggie parade that’s grand The other dogs are out there now Making tracks in the snow All the best smells are fading fast To the park we must go So grab that leash and hurry up Anxious doggies are we We’re loaded up with water So we can mark every tree!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."