Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third hole, one said to the other, "How did you manage to get here today past your wife?"The second man said, "It wasnt easy. I had to promise my wife that I would paint the full house outside. How did you do it?""Well," the second man replied, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the Kitchen and Bathroom."Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the thrid man how he got here today."Easy," said the third man. "I put my alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse.' and she replied back, " You better take a sweater, I think its going to be cold" PM

Three paddy's (irish men) are in London looking for work on a building site. The first Paddy (the smart one) goes in to see the foreman. The conversation starts. Foreman - "so then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day". Paddy - "that would be 200 brick in a day sir". Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?" Now, Paddy had a look at the foreman and it was obvious, very obvious there was something strange. His right ear was quite high on one side of his head and the left ear was quite low on the other side of his head. Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there". Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job". Next Paddy walks in, same questions. "How many bricks can you lay in a day paddy?" "200 bricks sir" Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?" Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there". Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job". The third Paddy walks in to see the foreman. Foreman - "So then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day." Paddy - "400 bricks a day sir" Foreman - "By Jesus, 400 a day. I never heard of any man lay 400 bricks a day." Paddy - "Oh, ask any man in Ireland, 400 a day I tell you sir." Foreman - "thats unbeleiveable Paddy. Now obviously I want to give you the job, but, I have to tell you, I admire honesty in a man so take a look at me and tell me do you notice anything strange about me." Paddy has a long hard look. Paddy - " No sir, nothing strange" Foreman - "Come on paddy, honestly, what do you notice". Paddy - "No sir nothing strange." Foreman - "Now Paddy, I can't give you the job if you don't be honest, go on have a good look." Paddy stares at him insanely, and then notices something. Paddy - "A sir, I notice". Foremann - "Yes Paddy" Paddy - " You'd be wearing contact lenses". Unexpectedly the foreman enquires. Foreman - "My word Paddy, that's amazing, how observant of you. How did you ever notice that." Paddy - "We'll Sir, were the feck would you find a pair of glasses to fit a head like that"

Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man... ------------------------------------ 1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

TOP TEN PLACES/TIMES NOT TO GET A WOODY10. With your wife, visiting her sister.9. Golfing with the guys.8. With your wife, and accidently run into your ex-girlfriend.7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.3. In front of your childs 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher, for show and tell.2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you. And the number one time never to get a woody is:1. Your best friend on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100.""Good," Dave says."Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy. "Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again." As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one. "What is it?""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?""What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked."Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot." "Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

Two men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said "You know that was really descent of you to do that". So the other guy said "Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years".

Two men were sitting in a bar.One man turned to the other and said,"I slept with your mother!"The other man ignored him.A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, "I slept with your mother!!"The other turned to him and replied,"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink."