After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion."What seems to be the problem?"Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman. He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?" "What do you need me to do?" asks the woman. "Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies. "How's that going to help?" she asks. "No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry....You've had two warnings!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". "Yeah, my wife..."

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk?"Gee, I don't know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"