A woman was talking to her friend about her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane. "I don't know," she answered. "I never got there." "You never got there!" her friend exclaimed. "What do you mean?" "You know me," the woman answered. "I have to stop at every rest area. Well, they all say 'clean bathrooms' and I can tell you... it takes longer than you think!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes,when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your damn hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little wise-guy on your knee!"

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"

Here was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK*bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?' The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.' 'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.' 'Very good,' she says again. Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.' Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're idiots!'

Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living. Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning. Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that? Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog. Man: That's right. Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family. Man: Right again. Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife. Man: Correct. Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual. Man: Yup. Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning. Man: Cool. .....Later that same day... Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door. Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy? Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job. Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do? Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University. Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that? Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house? Neighbor 2: No. Man: Queer!

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: "Port is Left, Starboard is Right."

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints about poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She never leaves a number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing.