These are just a few of those typical sexist jokes- they make me chuckle ( or groan) so ya know- I'm a girl : ) *what's worse than a male chauvinist pig? - A woman who won't do what she's told. *I married Mrs. Right- I just wish I'd known her first name was Always * * How many men does it take to open a beer? -None. It should be open by thetime she brings it * What is the best way to always remember your wife's birthday? - Forget it once

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, " Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," said the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

A man had parked his car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart, when he heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?" "No," he answered..."I'm only after one thing." As he walked away he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old,you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well, how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied,"Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells,'Screw You!' and I holler back,'Screw You too!'"

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old"? Well, here is some karma for that. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was WAY too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine." he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1961. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-b*tch asked, "What did you teach?"

A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man.

Customer: "I have a big problem. You cut off my head!" Me: "I'm sorry? How did I cut off your head?" (The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.) Me: "Sir, it looks like it was taken that way." Customer: "No it wasn't! My whole head was there when I took it. I'm sure!" Me: "Okay, let me see your memory card..." (The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.) Me: "Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn't in it." Customer: "But it's DIGITAL, can't you fix it?" Me: "You can't create something from nothing." Customer: "But... but... but... I need a photo for a dating website!" Me: "Give me the camera and go stand over there." Customer: *excited* "Hot d***! You can be my best man!" Me: "A thank you card will be enough." (Skip ahead 9 months...) Female customer: "Is your name ***?" Me: "Yes, can I help you?" Female customer: "My husband wanted you to have this." *hands me an envelope* (I open the envelope, and sure enough there's a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

Do you know why single women can't fart? Because they don't get assholes untill they get married.

After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning?" the officer asked. "I'm going to a lecture," the man said. "And who would be giving this lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," the guy replied.

Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like ... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ... Blenders ..... You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ... Coffee ..... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ... Department Stores ...Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men are like ... Government Bonds ...They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like ... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like ... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like .. Parking Spots ...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped