His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Mr Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his house. "Sorry, that's against the law," says the desk sergeant. "You don't get it," says the man. "I need to know how he got in without waking my wife."

The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You Know You're A Mom When... * Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care. * When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. * You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. * You spend an entire week wearing sweats. * Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. * Popsicles become a food staple. * Your favorite television show is a cartoon. * Peanut butter and jelly is eaten in at least one meal a day. * You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on. * Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off. * Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny. * You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! * Spit is your number one cleaning agent. * You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 am and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds. * In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions. * You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. * The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars. * You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. * You have time to shave only one leg at a time. * You hide in the bathroom to be alone. * Your kid throws up and you catch it. * Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating. * You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance. * You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. * You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

1. You wear a D... & A-C is tissue paper. 2. Your friends are guys, your partners are girls. 3. Anorexia is a four-letter word. 4. Pink is your favorite color... & hot pink is second. 5. Monika Lewinski is your role model. 6. You think foreign affairs is screwing two French guys. 7. M.U.D.D. means must use drugs daily. 8. ADIDAS means All Day I Dream About Sex. 9. ADIDAS applies to you. 10. It takes half of a lite beer to get you totally wasted.

These are all from my experiences. That's why they're funny. 1. You build a miniature boat out of a hostess box, water bottles, and duct tape, and float it down a river seven times. 2. You buy a headlamp, move it in circles on the wall, and say it follows wherever my head goes. 3. You make a hand with some sticks, a plastic soda bottle lid, some bugs, and a magnifying glass. 4. You pop each and every bubble on bubble wrap... in random order. 5. You line up thirteen megaphones just to see what it would do.

An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts. The man asks "Was that me, or you?"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee." I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon." I said: "Well, so why are you crying?" She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said: "BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

One day, Harry and Sarah were having a petty argument. After shouting back and forth, Sarah finally says, "Let's make a deal. To end this argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong." Harry thought for a moment, agreed, and asked her to go first. Sarah replied, "I'm sorry Harry, I am wrong." In response, Harry shouts happily, "You're right!"

Why does Hershey's chocolate taste so good? Because they are made by women! (Her-She) hahahaha