A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's arse I've ever seen."Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV."She's a horse's arse too," he said.A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool."Hey!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country.""Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"The Officer replies, "President Bush is just so depressed about being behind in the polls that he stopped his motorcadein the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says he can't find donators to give him money for his campaign. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.""Oh really? How much have you collected so far?""So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate."That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.""Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.""Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?""Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal."

An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.The engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agreed he was smart.The accountant called, "Sliderule, do your stuff". The pooch went to the kitchen, got a dozen cookies and made four stacks of three. Everyone was impressed.The chemist called, "Beaker, do your stuff." The dog went to the fridge for a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.The bureaucrat called, "Coffee Break,do your stuff!". Coffe Break ate the cookies, drank the milk, chewed the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave.

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an butthole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!" Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father." "That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!" .