The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon."Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "There's good news & bad news.""Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first.""The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.""Gosh, and the good news?""The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!! The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!'' The suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.'' The genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.'' The man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.'' The genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?''

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Uncle Mike when he's been drinking."

Three guys parachute from a burning plane onto an island and are quickly caught by a bunch of canabals. The leader of the canabals says "I will spare your lives if you can complete 2 tasks for me otherwise we will eat you on the spot."The first task is to collect ten items of fruit or vegatables from anywhere on the island" So sure enough off they go in three different directions with canable escorts.10 minutes later the first man returns carrying ten apples and the second task is layed before him "You must push all 10 apples up your bum without making a single sound!" so with little choice the first man begins 1 23...4....5 "OUCH" he shouts and sure enough he is torn limb from limb and eaten by the cannables.5 minutes later after the meal the second man returns with 10 berrys and is given the second task. So off he goes...123456.7..8Suddendly the second man burst into laughter and is torn limb from limb and eaten.When the second man reaches heaven he is greated by the first man who is itching to ask him a question "WHY OH WHY when you had such an easy task did you start laughing????" to which the second man replies "There i was inserting berrys up my bum thinking how easy it was when i looked up to see the other fella with a big grin on his face and 10 mellons in his arms!!!!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure -- by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7, did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,"I need to get up and get a beer". "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pissing in beers?"

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."

Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced that a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it would now take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, "You realize that if we lose that last engine we'll be up here forever!"

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes

Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt."On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the runway."The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing."All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?"