An officer is sent to a new base and he meets with one of the soldiers. He says "everything is alright around here but what's up with the camel?". The soldier replies "well the soldiers are lonely and sometimes they get uh...urges". The Officer is disgusted but thinking it over he replies "I guess it makes sense, keep it".A couple of weeks later the officer calls in the soldier and says "I'm getting restless, send in the camel". The soldier comes into his tent with the camel and leaves. After the Officer is done with his business and zips up, the soldier walks in and asks "what were you just doing?", and the officer replies "well isn't this how you 'ride' one of these?". The soldier says "Well, usually me and the guys ride the camel into town and get some chicks."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!" The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?" "Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!" "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motoristfor speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing aroundhis head, annoying him considerably. "Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist. "Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sureright. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?" "Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly thatare particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circlearound a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies." The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well,that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying tocall me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implicationabout an officer of the law, would you?" "Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have theutmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream ofimplying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded." "Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman. "Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there?"