Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful." Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk; He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying. He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break; He restoreth my faith in study guides. He leads me to better study habits For my grades sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades, I will not have a nervous breakdown; For thou art with me. My prayers and my friends, they comfort me. Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness; Thou anointest my head with understanding. My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize. Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me All the days of my examinations, And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever, Amen!

There once was a college professor who didn't buy into the whole "there's no such thing as a stupid question" philosophy. Every year when he had a new class he instructed the students to ask him as many stupid questions as they could think of on the first day. That way, he figured, there'd be a minimized amount of stupidity for the duration of the term. The professor thought he'd heard every stupid question there was and didn't laugh no matter what his students asked him, not even a smirk. Then, finally, a student asked something that he'd never heard before. The question made him laugh so hard he couldn't stand up. A lanky, tomboyish girl raised her hand with a wry smile on her face, stood up and asked, "What is a question?"

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen. "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer. "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper. "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g). "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up. "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper.'" The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

Are you a technical geek? Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes. You know you are a technical geek when . . . When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply, "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!" When driving, you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD. When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap". When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor." When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination. When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash. When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines. When you call "*.*" star-dot-star. When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head. When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'." When your wife says, "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!" and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

To: Professor _______________ From: ____________________ I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons: __1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. __2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. __3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: __Medical School __Graduate School __Dental School __Fraternity/Sorority __The Mickey Mouse Club __Tri County Tech __4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______. __5. I'll lose my scholarship. __6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam for me. __7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam. __8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact. __9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles. __10. You are prejudiced against: __ Males __ Blacks __ Females __ Jews __ Catholics __ Whites __ Protestants __ Minorities __ Chicanos __ Students __ People __11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance. __12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness: __ mono __ broken baby finger __ acute alcoholism __ pregnancy __ VD __ fatherhood __13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done. __14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull. __15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade. __16. The lectures were: __ too detailed to pick out important points. __ not explained in any sufficient detail. __ your class was far too boring. __ all jokes and not enough material. __ all of the above. __17. This course was: __too early, I was not awake. __at lunchtime, I was hungry. __too late, I was tired. __18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course. __19. Other reason: __________________.

'Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last-minute knowledge. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would loosen their thinking. In my own room, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his book, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy; My eyes went ablur, And I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel, With futures depending On grades earned in school. When all of a sudden Our door opened wide And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. His spirit was careless, His manner was mellow, But summoning effort He started to bellow: "What kind of student Would make such a fuss To toss back at teachers What they have tossed us? On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams! On Wing-it and Sling-it, And Last-Minute Crams!" His message delivered, He vanished from sight, But we heard him laughing Outside in the night: "Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best Happy Finals to all, And to All, a good test."

-Overheard by a professor in the halls a few weeks after the semester starts- Male student to another male student- "Yeah, I signed up for a women's studies course. It wasn't what I expected it to be." "Really? Why is that?" "Well, it involves all this reading about ancient goddesses, and about female empowerment. I thought the class would be a little more...hands on."

In my college dorm we had one of those irritating type guys who was born with more money than most of us could ever dream of earning, and naturally we resented his Porsche, his boat, and the women who hung all over same. The guy went out of his way to remind us all about his money, car, and especially the women. Most of us were 2 and 3 to a dorm room, but he had a room all to himself at the end of the hall in the dorm. So........ when he took off for an extended weekend, a bunch of us theatre department freaks went to his door, removed the doorknob, plastered over the entire wall at the end of the hall, nailed up new wood molding, painted the entire hallway a new color and changed all the remaining door numbers. When our "target" returned, his room had simply vanished!

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about 50 years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there. They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page... WHICH TIRE? (95 points)