1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea. 2.When on the urinal (make sure someone is next to you), slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing. 3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal (or fake) blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets. 4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh. 5.Repeat #4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast. 6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the toilet say loudly, "Oh no I'm peeing blood again," and let the fake blood drip onto the floor, making sure the person in the stall(s) next to you can see it. 7.Put big boots and a cheap pair of long pants stuffed with straw in every stall and lock the doors, making it look like it's occupied, then spike everyone's meal in the building with heavy duty prune juice. 8.Hide a DVD player in the bathroom and put on a long porno, making sure it includes very seductive audio). 9.Take a water gun into the bathroom and while on the toilet, spray the stall wall, and say, "Whoa! Easy there, little fella!" 10.While on the toilet, sing, "The Phantom Of The Opera," very loudly. 11.(This works best in a 1-toilet bathroom or a very busy place) Take animal or fake guts into the bathroom, then try to hold up a very long line, making sure there are a lot of people waiting for the bathroom. Clog the toilet with the animal guts by forcing it to flush down, but stuck in the pipes, which will be pushed back out if flushed again (while making loud grunting noises for the people outside to hear). Walk out of the stall and ignore the line of pissed off people waitign to use the toilet, wait in the bathroom entrance. When you hear the first flush, listen to the screams and people rushing out of the bathroom. 12.Put a walkie-talkie behind one of the toilets while you're holding the other one, hide in the vents. When a person walks into the stall with the walkie-talkie and begin to take a dump, make loud farting noises and explosion sounds with into your walkie-talkie.

Two prostitutes moved to a new town, and on their first Sunday, went to church. One of the girls was quite proud of her singing; the other felt she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, so was quiet. After one desultory hymn, the priest berated the congregation, "Quite clearly, there are some who are singing, and some who are not. Can we please have a more concerted effort for the other hymns?" One whisper to her friend, "My word, how did he know about us so quickly?"

A poor homeless man had 3 bananas; he had stolen one from a first grader, one from a fruit vendor, and the other was given to him by a humble old lady. Along with the banana, the humble old lady gave him bus fare, partly because she wanted him to leave, and partly because she felt sorry for him. The man jumped at the thought - he was going on a bus ride, something he hadn't done in a long time. He put one banana on either side of his torn and tatty pants, and the other banana in the back of his pants. He waited at the bus station, and waited, and waited, until finally a bus came, and he climbed on. It was one of those crowded buses, one with not much room to even sneeze. The bus driver collected the money, and the homeless man found a cramped place to stand. Everything was going smoothly until the bus made a sharp turn to the left, the banana on the left side got squished. The bus made another sharp turn, one to the right, and you can guess what happened to the banana on the right. It got squished as well. The homeless man was not going to lose the last piece of food that he had, so he grabbed the banana in the back. The bus turned to the right, to the left, and the man didn't let go. The bus went up a hill, and then down, the man still didn't release the banana from his grip. The bus went over a rocky dirt path, jumping up and down due to the rocky road, the man held tighter. They were back on smooth road, and the homeless man got tapped on the shoulder. The homeless man turned his head slightly and the man who had tapped him spoke: "My stop is two blocks away." He was breathing a bit too fast, basically gasping for air. "So?" the homeless man asked. "I'm gonna need to get off," the man said, breathing uneasily. "Then get off." "Then let go."

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem." "My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday." "I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all." The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says, "You have a deal Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened"? The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole. 2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized? 3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in. 4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays? 5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

A boy asks his dad,"Dad, what is 6.9?" The dad answers, "69 interrupted by a period!"

This lonely little boy was sitting at home, and he recently discovered the noises and smells that can emit from his body in the form of a fart. So the bored little boy decided to travel the world looking for the best fart, He went to Canada and realized that the cold temperature caused the farts to be really short. He went to Mexico and realized all the spicy foods caused really uncomfortable farts. All other parts of the world had interesting farts but not what the boy was looking for. Feeling that he failed, the boy went back home after his yearly trips around the world, only to walk in on his mom bending over into an oven attempting to pull a cake out. In the middle of her attempt she ripped the biggest fart in the world, The boy was immediately excited he found the best fart, Which proves the moral of the story HOME IS WHERE THE FART IS!

One day, I went to the shooting gallery at the fair, one with the smiling clowns. I aimed and fired. Imagine my reaction when the target started yelling obscenities and charged. "WOW! These fairs are really getting high-tech," I thought. Just to impress the girls watching, I held my ground and continued firing. Pretty soon, he lost all of his teeth, but he still kept coming. And that was some realistic blood! I aimed up at the forehead, and the target dropped like a rock. A security guard walked up to me and said, "How do you feel? You just killed a carnie, you sicko!" "Wow, real carnival people!" I said, "I gotta get some of those for my shotgun at home! Carnies are cheaper than paper targets, and you don't have to worry about the guilt from killing the precious trees!"

Definition of Agony? One armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls