A little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

A man, standing before a censor, is about to testify, whether he has a wife. The censor asks: -Do you have, in all your honesty, a wife? -I surely do, but not in all my honesty.

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said "Bed Hard", then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said " Food Cold ", then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said "I Quit". The head Monk looked at him and replied. "Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit, you've done nothing but complain since you got here"

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God."God? You there, God?" he asked"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered."Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked."Go ahead, my son, anything.""God, what is a million years to you?"God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

A family was traveling across country, and were on their first stop for gas. Getting out to stretch their legs, they walked into the gas station and began to look at the various items that were placed around them. The son goes over to a rack of books, and picks up one and laughs. "'Cooking With Mormons.' We should definitely get this one," he sarcastically stated. The father grabbed it from his hands and stared at it for a minute, then said, "Maybe it'll tell us how to cook them right." The son looked confused and said blankly "Who?" "The Mormons, of course," was his reply.