A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' ''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'' She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.'' The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'' The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.'' He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?'' ''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'' The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

A catholic priest was giving confession one day when members of hiscongregation walked in and said, "Forgive father for I have sinned...Icheated on my husband/wife this week and I have no one else to turn to."The priest would reply, "You are forgiven my child...but try to keep fromrepeating this sinful nature."Sunday morning comes and he decides to direct his sermon to all of thosepeople who had committed adultery. The congregation was observant in thepriest's actions because he said if they couldn't do better than this hewould leave the church. The congregation liked the minister, so they came upwith a code word for every time they had committed adultery...they would gointo confession and say that they had "fallen" that week.A couple of years later, that priest had died and was replaced. It came timefor the new priest to do confessions and he noticed that many of his memberswere coming in, saying they had "fallen". The new priest was concerned abouthis congregation and took it upon himself to go to the courthouse and talkto the mayor.The priest walks into the mayor's office and says, "Mr. Mayor, you have todo something about your sidewalks and walkways in the community."The mayor looking puzzled asks, "Sidewalks?" The priest says, "Yeah. Many of your citizens have fallen this week!"The mayor realizes what the priest is talking about and says, "There's noneed to be concerned father. Don't worry about it and go home."The priest replied, "No need to worry about it...I think if anyone should beworried it should be you; even your wife has fallen 3 times this week."

A century ago, a young student at the great Oxford University in England was taking an important examination in religious studies.The examination question for this day was to write about the religious and spiritual meaning in the miracle of Christ turning water into wine.For two hours he sat in the crowded classroom while other students filled their pages with long essays, to show their understanding.The exam time was almost over and this one student had not written a single word.The proctor came over to him and insisted that he commit something to the paper before turning it in.The young Lord Byron simply picked up his hand and penned the following line:"The water met its Master, and blushed."

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down. "What was that for?" the Chinese man asked. "That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said. "Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!" "Oh!" They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground. "What was that for?" the Jewish man asked. "That was for the Titanic!" "The Titanic? That was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."

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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope has it real bad."

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief says "You taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies says, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - an albino. Look to the field. See a flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white kid."

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'' The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'' And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family."But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him."Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard.""But at least you keep the Sabbath?""Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.""But kosher food you still eat?""Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"