HOBBIES, TECHNICAL: HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL: 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:Technical Thug: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.

"Honor System Virus" This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE THE AIRLINES UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

If you're brain required an operating system like your computer does, what would it be like?

I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argumentabout who was better on his computer. They had been going atit for days, and God was tired of hearing all of thebickering.Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up atest that will run two hours and I will judge who doesthe better job."So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards andtyped away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. Theydid some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job. About ten minutes before their time was up,lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rainpoured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satanstared at his blank screen and screamed every curse wordknown in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of themrebooted their computers. Satan started searchingfrantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I losteverything when the power went out!"Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out allof his files from the past two hours. Satan observed thisand became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated.How did he do that?"God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Jesus SavesJesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No," replied Judy. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T