A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars"."Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars"."Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"To which the owner replies "To be honest I've never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

A man goes to his doctor complaining of bad headaches.His doctor says, "We just got this new machine.You take a urine sample and feed it into the machine, and it tells you everything that is wrong with you." Thinking this is pretty amazing, the man gives a sample and the doctor feeds it into the machine.It spits out a piece of paper, which the doctor reads."According to this, you have tennis elbow." "But there's nothing wrong with my elbow," the man replies. "It's my head". The doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to bring in a new sample the next day, and they will try again. When he gets home, the man is angry and thinks to himself, "I'll show that doctor." So he takes the dipstick from his car and puts some oil in the cup.When his wife and daughter get home, he has each of them urinate in the cup, then he finishes by The next day he goes back to the doctor and hands him the specimen.The doctor feeds it into the machine, then reads the printout. "Well, what does it say?", the man asks,laughing. "According to this,"the doctor replies,"your car needs an oil change, your wife has crabs, your daughter is pregnant, and your tennis elbow won't get better if you keep

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says: "And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)". Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

A peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide ...an end user's guide to technical services.

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon." In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day. 2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question. 4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats. 6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt. 7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine. 8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light. 9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off. 10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna. 11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car. 12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. 13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car. 14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

>A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer broke!I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!"The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . "

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"