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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these kids would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "MICHAEL JACKSON. CAN I GO NOW?"

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possiblefor her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.She was the only one who receivedan A+ and this is what she wrote:Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!""Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with a shovel.""Damn tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out."I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.""You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled.The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Eachboy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question."For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.Then, the test continued."For 95 points, tell me which tire it was"...

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think." Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong." So they asked him: "so what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong."