A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99". Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100." Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100." The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100." Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?" "Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier." The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier." "Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks."

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

When the body was first made all the parts of the body were fighting to see who would become the boss of the body. The fight for power was most intense between the limbs, the brain, and ..... the asshole. The limbs said they should be boss because they control the human, and without them the body was useless and couldnt move or do anything. The brain said it should be boss becauses it has to control the whole body and without the brain nothing in the body would function, neither the limbs or the asshole. The asshole said simply, "I'm the boss." The brain and limbs laughed at him. The asshole was so mad he closed up and the body became constipated. The brain couldnt think straight and became fuzzy, the limbs became cold, sweaty and clammy, the body was going to hell. So the brain and limbs decided the asshole was the boss. Morale of the story is that it doesnt matter how good you are or what you do for others, only the asshole will become the person in charge.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.

Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs.

Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes." "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming into work today."

A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...? Going Postal...

The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).