A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."

Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!1. Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.5. It's always darkest before the dawn.So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.6. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.7. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.8. Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.9. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5", because they can turn your body into an accordion Jershie :)10. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.11. It's a small world.So you have to use your elbows a lot.12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.13. Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek. 1) The blonde thought - "That fresh American wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face." 2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him." 3) The American thought - "That bloody Canadian put his hands on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me." 4) The Canadain thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their newChief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never beentaught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what theweather was going to be.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that thewinter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the villageshould collect wood to be prepared.But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service andasked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?""It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?""Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are youabsolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?""Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.""How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant. "Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How did you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."